I have tried and I have failed to decipher what on earth Billy O’Lee was talking about. I spoke with tons of FOBs (Friends of Billy), and none of them have any clue either. Subsequently, I tried to decipher what on earth Kenneth44 was talking about in his last 3 posts, and I turned to several FOKs (Friends of Ken) in order to figure it all out. Fortunately, some of them were able to help translate for me. I’d like to acknowledge those FOKs that have helped me:
Skip: a crazy FOK
Garbo: a funny FOK
Pippen (when he lays out): a flying FOK.
All quotations below are from Ken’s aforementioned last 3 posts, and following those quotes are their true meanings (based on my research). I apologize in advance if I offend anyone. Those that are easy to be offended, please get in touch with Corey S prior to reading. BTW, Corey S is one loud-mouthed FOK, and unfortunately was not available for translating at press time – too busy rolling a fatty.
Without further ado, the translation…
“I can't tell you how satisfying it was to … ice my feet”
TRANSLATION: I have a foot fetish
“I had … pleasure … (which is) antithetical to the spirit of summer league”; AND; “watching Josh (Faust) play… (is) antithetical to the spirit of summer league”
BASIC ALGEBRA: If A=B and B=C, then A=C
TRANSLATION: I had pleasure watching Josh Faust play
“I had the joy of having (Josh Faust) approach me”
TRANSLATION 1: I have a Josh Faust fetish
“Have I mentioned what a gem of a guy Josh is?”
TRANSLATION: Am I beating a dead horse with my Josh Faust fetish?
“I've … fallen for a beagle named Lucas … (I) come 50% of the time … I come because I enjoy it”
TRANSLATION: Forget Faust. I’m in love.
“I come because I enjoy … a litany of injuries”
TRANSLATION: I’m not happy unless I’m not happy.
“After games I … endure the ridicule of old friends”
Editors Note: I’m thrilled to be considered a FOK.
“(I’ve) written a bunch of forum posts in an effort to inform and amuse … (and) ridicule old friends”
TRANSLATION: Ridiculing old FOKs while informing others what they should think amuses me. Nick G is an old FOK.
“After games I go through a lot of ice, take ibuprofen … and former teammates … can't imagine why I'm still dragging myself up to Purchase”
TRANSLATION: My former teammates from We Smoke Weed can no longer supply me with a large enough supply of proper post game meds.
Editors Note: Yo Ken, Corey S is currently on the West Coast, and can be reached at (420-420-1234)
“the parking lot scene is cooler than just about any bar I can think of in NY”
TRANSLATION: Those NY bars don’t have young, athletic chicks who want to talk to me and my friends Nick and Josh.
“the road to hell is paved with good intentions”
TRANSLATION: The road to heaven is paved with bad intentions, and I have no intention of going back to hell. Hell doesn’t have the parking lot scene, which I fully intend to hang out in on Monday night, albeit with bad intentions. Bring on heaven!
“God Bless America”
TRANSLATION: I voted for Bush. Both times.
“I am loath to beat a dead horse”
TRANSLATION: When I am about to beat a dead horse, I’m smart enough to use a disclaimer.
“I apologize in advance if I offend.”
TRANSLATION: When I am about to offend, I’m smart enough to use a disclaimer.
Editors note: Apologizing in advance for beating dead horses offends me.
“the imposition of an 11 game ban for behavior that probably would have resulted in little more than a parking lot discussion back in 1998. (BTW, I speak from personal experience – back in the day a notoriously hyper-aggressive player recklessly hurled himself into a group of players long after a catch had been made [incidentally, while wearing metal-toed rugby cleats with metal spikes]. In the process he kicked the goal catcher in the face opening up a gash that needed stitches. He wasn’t even reprimanded.)”
TRANSLATION: Certain isolated actions by men the past few years that have led to suspensions (starting fights, throwing Frisbees off fields and into the woods in disgust, cursing in front of children, and screaming at female teammates) were the norm in 1998. Interestingly enough, the parking lot scene in 1998 sucked relative to today, and I ponder if the reason for that is because back then there was too much sausage at the grill and not enough young, athletic chicks coming up to talk to me, Nick and Josh. You know, maybe Faust isn’t totally off his rocker that it is a good thing that more women are around. More testosterone = more fights. Less testosterone = more young athletic chicks. I guess I’m torn between wanting to see more fights, and wanting to hang out with more young athletic chicks. It’s a coin toss.
“I speak from personal experience … Games degenerate into call fests, feelings get hurt, arguments ensue, tempers flare, and everybody leaves the field with a bad taste in their mouths…”
TRANSLATION: “I loved the bad taste of 1998.”
“I wish it were 1998”
TRANSLATION: Screw the coin toss, and screw Nick and Josh. I like fights more than I like young athletic chicks.
And lastly…
“On an ultimate field, you can pretty much make any call you can dream up”
TRANSLATION: Ask Faust about that call he made in Semis of Easterns ’95 at Albany against my Cojones team. Booyah!
Writing forum posts in an effort to inform, ridicule and amuse,
Josh Faust
PS: I apologize in advance for beating a dead horse. I also apologize in advance if I offended anyone, ridiculed old people, or beat a dead horse while ridiculing old offensive people.
PPS: If I were to use Corey S to help translate, the translations become far funnier, but also far less appropriate for this forum. As such, I’ll refrain from giving the alternate translations. Unless of course the Upper Echelon gives me the assurance that they won’t ban me from posting in the future, and Kenny gives me the assurance that he won’t open up a gash in my face like it was 1998. Assuming that both of the two aforementioned assurances aren’t forthcoming, if you’d like the Corey S translations, don’t email me directly - there is no way in (good intention) hell I’m giving you guys my email address. To get those translations, please email Sussman to her new gender correct email address:
Susswoman@gfemale.com.
PPPS: I’m currently working on the Billy O’Lee translations. Does anyone have an Irish to English dictionary? Wat abut a thirrd grade grammer and speling book that has the hinder fact laced on the inside cover wit pichtures of you know wtf I’m talkin’ about Church Mouse pickin’ draft like making it out of first round MVP and stuff?
PPPPS: Spidey, put up an acronym FLG.
PPPPPS: I have the good intention to bring a six-pack of liquid post game meds to the parking lot as I ridicule Nick, Nick ridicules Ken, and Ken ridicules me, all while young, athletic chicks are talking to us FOKs. But there is no way in good intention hell you’re going to find me icing my feet.
